Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Heart full of music

I was going to write a very different post here, but I'm in two minds as to whether I should or not, mainly because there's parts of my life I used to talk about that I now don't feel that I can. It's all very well to expose yourself to the jackals, but others? I don't think I have that right.

It's kind of sad. This blog was my outlet. Now it feels too delicate. Too easy to say something I "shouldn't". Do I say what's on my mind? Do I only write about things other people are writing about, which seems to be where I'm headed? I rail against 'letting them win" by not saying things I want to say, but in the end, does it matter? Does not saying something hurt as much as things I could say would hurt others? 

I know what my life is. I know where my heart is. That, for now, is enough. My home is one of flowers and laughter and love. My heart is full of music. And the best thing is that I'm sharing it with someone who sneaks out in the morning to take photos so he won't wake me by pottering around, and notices my initials in the water. He comes back with a song in his heart that he plays while he shows me the photos.



I'm sharing my life with someone who drives me out beyond the lights and has a soundtrack to the stars we point at and the constellations we track with the nifty Google Sky. Someone who couldn't have taken better care of me while I've been ill (Don't ask. It's too complicated to explain), someone who kept the house running - I did no housework or cooking for the best part of three months - and did it all again with only a weeks break when I borked my shoulder pushing myself too far too fast, and helped me see that asking for help is far less stupid and insulting to the people I love than stubbornly acting like they wouldn't help me in a heartbeat and getting stuck with your shirt above your head because you cannot move your arm. 

Basically, what I'm saying is I don't know where this blog is going. Or if I'll keep it going. I won't delete it, but I certainly can't write the way I want to anymore, and I don't know what that means for this. Some of why I "can't" write is that I'm not in the same place. I'm not the same person. I guess the voice we have through our lives changes, and the outlet that's best for that voice changes with it. 

Time will tell, I suppose.

3 comments:

Jayne said...

You do what feels right for you in the here and now.
In a week or a months time you may change your mind or circumstances around you have changed but you can't plan for the what if's or maybe's.

Lotus said...

Hi, I’m quite unsure of the exact details of your situation, but I wanted to ask you some questions out of curiosity. Well, It’s more of a book than a comment. (I apologize if some parts seem patronizing, as that was not my intention.)

Firstly, I’d like to ask you why: "..there's parts of my life I used to talk about that I now don't feel that I can.” -May I ask why?

This is the world wide web, you have every right to contribute to the blogosphere however you like, (illegal activity aside, of course) regardless of negative opinions and /or derogatory behaviors exhibited by others.(?)

Moreover, it is paramount for you to be able to talk about things that you have on your mind. There are three things I think are important that I’d like to mention if I might:

The first one being this: Writing a blog about your life (or just life in general) and what you have on your mind can be a form of self-therapy: a way to vent and also learn more about yourself! Not only this, but it also gives your readers along with those around you the opportunity to learn more about you.

This blog is your space, no one else's. Readers visit blogs sometimes as a way of relating to other people, which can provide a great sense of comfort and fulfillment. These readers are important to a blogger also, in the way that the blogger in turn can learn a lot from the readers. However there are readers who like to troll, cause trouble and try their hardest to make bloggers lives miserable. There’s not much to be learnt from those kinds of folk :P

The third one is this: you should definitely say what's on your mind! Things can swiftly implode nastily when communication breaks down. Be raw, real, true and unabashed in your blog, because outgoing, honest, truthful, and politically incorrect people seem increasingly rare these days.

It's disappointing that you seem to have been negatively influenced to an extent, which is going to effect, or possibly distinguish your blogging.

However, you do write:

"I don't know where this blog is going. Or if I'll keep it going. I won't delete it, but I certainly can't write the way I want to anymore, and I don't know what that means for this. Some of why I "can't" write is that I'm not in the same place. I'm not the same person. I guess the voice we have through our lives changes, and the outlet that's best for that voice changes with it."

You're "not the same person" as you say, and you're "not in the same place." Does this mean that your statement "This is My Truth" now has some sort of different significance? Or maybe none at all?

Could your "outlet" not be aligned and adjusted alongside your new changing life? You never know, maybe it’d be a big blog hit!.....

There are far too many pathetic blogs and websites out there wasting way too much valuable e-space. :D

All the Best x

Keri said...

Jayne - thanks. I think that's the best lesson I'm learning now.

Lotus - That's on helluva comment.

I'll answer it as best I can, I guess.

I guess the bits of my life I can't talk about it most of my personal life. I used to be quite open, but now I feel like I have to be very careful about what I say, and that makes it very hard to write. Even as I'm thinking something and think "I should write a blog post on that", I'm editing my thoughts, cutting the bits I think could be misinterpreted or used against me or my partner.

The why is pretty simple. My partner has a much larger readership on his blog than I, and some of his readers aren't exactly friendly. When word got out we were together, people trawled through this blog, my comments elsewhere and read everything I posted, and used it as a way to attack me and my partner. Things like saying "National Park" instead of "State Park" led to me being accused of breaking the law, I wrote something about using cuts of meat I wouldn't feed my dog (You know, like silverside, not old meat or anything) in broths and someone linked to it saying "I'm sure that has nothing to do with (my partners) recent illness as if I was poisoning him. When Jeremy posted a photo of me with our (then) new kitten, there was something written about how nice it was of him to love a fat person, and speculation as to our sex life. Some truly horrible stuff.

I've stopped responding to all of that stuff some time ago, but it's hard to write sometimes thinking "I mustn't give them any ammo"

"Does this mean that your statement "This is My Truth" now has some sort of different significance? Or maybe none at all.

I think my "Truth" has changed. I think it changes throughout our lives. But I don't know if that makes it redundant, or if the title depends on me being 100% open and honest, or if I can find a middle ground between where I am now - a real reluctance to talk about my life, and just spewing my thoughts out here like I used to.

I would like to think I'll find that middle ground. In the meantime, I'm not sure what is going to be the result of that.