I was going to write a very different post here, but I'm in two minds as to whether I should or not, mainly because there's parts of my life I used to talk about that I now don't feel that I can. It's all very well to expose yourself to the jackals, but others? I don't think I have that right.
It's kind of sad. This blog was my outlet. Now it feels too delicate. Too easy to say something I "shouldn't". Do I say what's on my mind? Do I only write about things other people are writing about, which seems to be where I'm headed? I rail against 'letting them win" by not saying things I want to say, but in the end, does it matter? Does not saying something hurt as much as things I could say would hurt others?
I know what my life is. I know where my heart is. That, for now, is enough. My home is one of flowers and laughter and love. My heart is full of music. And the best thing is that I'm sharing it with someone who sneaks out in the morning to take photos so he won't wake me by pottering around, and notices my initials in the water.
I'm sharing my life with someone who drives me out beyond the lights and has a soundtrack to the stars we point at and the constellations we track with the nifty Google Sky. Someone who couldn't have taken better care of me while I've been ill (Don't ask. It's too complicated to explain), someone who kept the house running - I did no housework or cooking for the best part of three months - and did it all again with only a weeks break when I borked my shoulder pushing myself too far too fast, and helped me see that asking for help is far less stupid and insulting to the people I love than stubbornly acting like they wouldn't help me in a heartbeat and getting stuck with your shirt above your head because you cannot move your arm.
Basically, what I'm saying is I don't know where this blog is going. Or if I'll keep it going. I won't delete it, but I certainly can't write the way I want to anymore, and I don't know what that means for this. Some of why I "can't" write is that I'm not in the same place. I'm not the same person. I guess the voice we have through our lives changes, and the outlet that's best for that voice changes with it.
Time will tell, I suppose.