Friday, November 21, 2008

Things that shit me Music Edition Part the Second

Because one just wasn't enough:

Madonna cannot dance. It's like a secret no-one talks about. I can’t be the only person who hasn’t noticed this, surely?

She seems to have three moves - kneeling on the floor and thrusting, leaning against things throwing her head/hair around – with optional hands-on-head-elbows-out move, and walking in time to the music. Also, good on Guy Ritchie for telling it like it is: Madonna, you're old enough to be a Grandmother. Get over it. Everyone gets old. Some of us realize that there’s a certain point when leotards stop being a way of showing off a hot bod and start looking skanky and wrong. It’s not about age, it’s about why you’re doing it. Also, you’re gristly and freaky looking. And a good rule of thumb? If the veins on your inner thighs are sticking out, get off the fucking treadmill and eat something.

Additionally: Put on some pants, for the love of God.

Metallica: Cheer the fuck up. You have squillions of dollars, legions of fans, gorgeous families, houses and all you could ever wish for. Would it kill you to write a song that isn't doom, gloom, and pain? I like a grand total of one of your songs, and that was a Nick Cave cover. And considering my ex was (quite literally) a card carrying Metallica nut, it isn't like I haven't heard enough. I’ve listened to every single one of your albums. I’ve seen the DVD’s and he made me listen to Blue Oyster Cult because Hetfield lists them as an influence and Metallica did a cover of one of their songs or something. So this isn’t me talking ill-informed shit. I know of what I speak.

And you do my head in more with each passing day. The further you get away from the angry teenagers you were when you first started gritting your teeth and spitting your woe-is-me lyrics at a borrowed microphone, the less sincere it sounds. St. Anger? For fucks sake. If you have to put Anger in the title of the album to keep the rage alive, you’re probably not angry anymore.

Britney: Look, I’m a fan. Nice voice, nice bod, quality pop, felt sorry for you when you went mad and all, but the film-clip to womanizer? You’ve done it before. It was called Toxic. You did the whole blonde/red/black thing then. Even the grasping the guy by the belt and throwing him down thing you’d done in that film-clip. Also, the bit where you’re “naked” in the sauna you did in a diamante-encrusted body-stocking in Toxic. And can I just say, with the greatest respect, Womanizer is no Toxic. Toxic I like. Womanizer is catchy, but not much more. I realize that the whole going-mad thing may have warped your memory or summit, but come on! Surely someone saw the plan for that video and it must have twigged?

Someone needs to have a word with the people around that girl.


Jayne said...

Guy Ritchie was lucky he got out alive; others have seen Madge unhinge her lower jaw to eat her partners :P

Keri said...

Good point, Jayne. She's just fucking creepy.

Ross Sharp said...

Madonna's just Kylie without the class.

Britney - I am not a fan. But ... Please stab your mother in the head. You know you want to. Tell 'em the dog told you to do it.

When will Michael Jackson die? Can we hurry it up?

Bron said...

It's surprising that for a trained dancer, Madonna is so shit at it. I think she can dance, but she just prefers to roll around on the floor more. Her "early years" were much better than her twilight years.

dam buster said...

Madonna is scary.. scary old spice.

And what was with the fake English accent for so long?

Britney - got to love trailor trash. Her career went downhill when she got the implants.

Leon Bertrand said...

Death Magnetic is an awesome album.

Shows that Metallica have still got it.

Maybe their wives or kids piss them off these days. I know that I was terrible at school and often made my dad very angry.

Tobias Ziegler said...

I don't like Madonna's chances of getting over her agedness - in fact, the trends in her relationships look like she's compensating for it. After starting out with guys her age (Hubby Numero Uno, Mr Penn) or considerably older (Mr Beatty), she moved on to someone a decade younger (Mr Ritchie). Now, apparently, the new beau is two decades younger (Mr A-Rod). The trend line has a pretty sharp downward slope.

And if Britney's going to start taking out family members, please ensure the younger Spears model is in the firing line.

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