Tuesday, January 17, 2006

House of Cards

Defence mechanisms are a strange thing. You think that you’re handling everything okay, and then it all comes crashing down around your ears, and you spend most of the night growling in anger and then all the hurt comes out and your slumped on the floor sobbing as if you are going to die in front of the one person you swore would never see how much they’d hurt you.

So all my best-laid plans have come to nothing, and I find myself back at square one in regards to how I cope with this. The Boy isn’t surprised, for as he said, it was bound to come out at some stage. It was probably a good thing that he saw the signs, and took me into a spare bedroom and let me get it out. I would have hated above all else to let her see me like that. I couldn’t have dealt with that. Any pride I have left (And I have very little at the moment) would not have stood for that. Of course, getting it out didn’t make me feel any better, especially with a bottle of wine sloshing around on an empty stomach. Apologies to anyone who had to witness the mess that I was on Saturday night, but I don’t know what I was supposed to do. It was all too much for me, having it thrown in my face this soon.

It’s the most impotent feeling in the world, knowing that you’ve done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG and that somehow you are the one that has to hold back, choke back that tear, keep your mouth shut and try not to make a scene for the sake of others. Although god knows how many people heard me sobbing like a child while walking past to get beer or whatever, at that stage, a dark room and The Boy there to realise how much pain this has - and is – causing me where all I wanted. That, and a stomach pump. Or even better, a stomach that doesn’t dance the conga at the first sign of emotional upset.

I guess the worst thing is wondering what I’ve done to deserve this. It’s bad enough that this has all happened and that I’m trying really, really hard not to be bitter, or cynical. Considering that I am the innocent party to all this, I seem to be spending an inordinate amount of time justifying myself to people who couldn’t give a shit how this is making me feel, or how it is tearing me apart day by day. God, all I hear is how much this is hurting other people. Well, considering they brought it all on themselves, and I’ve done nothing at all, I get told to leave people alone. I would love to leave people alone. I would love for this not to be an issue in the first place. But I wasn’t given any choice in that, and I don’t have any choice over how I feel right now.

But I do know this; I will NOT spend another night sobbing and trying not to scream, and throwing up what little I have in my stomach. I will NOT be forced to act as if everything is okay, and I won’t worry next time about making a scene. I will stand up for myself, and I won’t back down again, regardless of whom asks me to. I thought I had reached the end of my tether last week, but this goes so far past what I can and WHAT I SHOULD BE EXPECTED to tolerate, that I honestly cannot put it into words.

And so, I’m not going to attempt to. I’ve had enough of boring people with gloom and doom. The next update, I promise, will be brighter, whiter, and give you 24-hour protection from plaque. Or something like that, anyway.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Bright Side

Well, a week and a bit on, and my head is still up. Amazing really. I think I’ve done pretty well. And I’ll say this; it’s times like these you find out who your friends are, and find out the quality of the people who make up your support base. And on that note, there are people that I must thank for keeping me sane and forcing me to drink, eat or sleep when I couldn’t face it: -

Danny, for listening to me, and respecting my decision even though you think I’m an idiot, and for listening to me when all you wanted to do was sleep.

Leis, for telling me that everything I’m feeling is perfectly normal and re-enforcing to me that I haven’t done anything wrong. It somehow means more coming from someone who studies brains in detail for a living.

Andy, I don’t even know where to begin. I have not the fingers and toes. Thank you for knowing me well enough to know something was wrong, but letting me tell you in my own time. Thank you for listening to me at three in the morning. Thank you for giving me the ability to cry and get it out. I hadn’t been able to cry about it, except once in anger since it happened. Thank you for saying exactly what I needed to hear, and meaning every word of it. I love you too mate. And my teeth are only better than yours because I’ve spent a thousand dollars at the dentist recently. And thank you for saying I remind you of yourself. I could think of no higher compliment.

Shane, for making me feel strong and for the trivia questions. You learn something new everyday. It’s not likely to be useful if I learned it from you, but I learn something regardless. And no, you wouldn’t want to meet me down a dark alley. Although what either of us would be doing down a dark alley is anyone’s guess.

To everyone (especially those I work with) who haven’t minded when I’ve had to cut them off mid-sentence to throw up, and thank you for the advice on mints, liquids and what food I am most likely to keep down. And for not pushing me for details.

And I want to re-enforce this for everyone, as I know there are those who are worried about me. I AM okay. And to those who are reading this casually and thinking, as those at work have, that I must be pregnant, I am NOT.

I won’t go into details about what is happening here, as there are bits of it that I have given my word will go no further, and even though the people involved deserve no consideration from me, I won’t go back on that. But rest assured that I do have my head up, I’m not falling apart (much), and I’m getting on with it. Not very well, truth be told, but I’m okay. Well, I’m as okay as I can be in the circumstances.
Again, to those above, and those I won’t name as they’ve never been named here before, I love you all and I just can’t thank you enough.