Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Good, Bad and Ugly

Good:-

  • My eczema, which has been driving me bonkers for months on end, has cleared up all of a sudden. I'm not doing anything differently. I've looked at everything - weather, bedclothes, washing powder, shampoo, soap, moisturiser, stress levels - nothing has changed. A post on this will be forthcoming for those with eczema.
  • Booked my leave for this year. 58 days to go. Not that I'm counting, but it has been a year since my last leave, and any leave punctuated by 27 hour flights and four hour bus rides isn't exactly relaxing.
  • Back into the gym, ankle holding up for three minutes of flat out running on the treadmil before getting sore - excellent. Went for a really long walk the other night with the Boy and Jess the Wonder Dog, and it didn't even twinge.
  • Doctor Who is back! And it's David Tennant, who first came to my attention in the excellent series Blackpool. If I wanted to eat him with a spoon before, he's now coming with whipped cream and hot fudge sauce. He's just so dishy. Oh god. Did I just say dishy?

Bad:-

  • I've accidentally submitted two tax returns. How on earth do I get the first one back?
  • Danny is having girl troubles. He deserves better. Much, much better.
  • Its someones birthday on Saturday. What do you get for someone when the only thing you know about them is that they don't like you?

Ugly:-

  • My boys in the red and black are not exactly setting the world on fire, and Hirdy *hallowed be thy name* is facing down retirement talk. Don't do it yet, Jimmy. I'm just not ready to let you go!

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Anonymity

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how different this blog would be if I had remained anonymous from the start. As it is, I’ve never chosen to hide my name or identity, and there’s even a (bad) picture of me in the sidebar now. I’ve only hidden those who indicated they’d prefer not to be named here, or were unaware of the blog in the first place. Some, like The Boy, have names that are known to many who read this blog, but out of respect when I posted before telling him about it, I chose not to name him initially. It seemed silly to change that after he knew, so it stuck.


Would I be more forthcoming if no one knew who I was? Undoubtedly. There have been so many things I’ve never mentioned here or haven’t been able to mention because my identity is not hidden, and most of my friends know of the existence of this blog, and even some of my family (Hello Brother!) So there have been things I haven’t been able to say, or even allude to for fear of offending someone, worrying someone, or making someone feel uncomfortable. There have been situations I could only mention in the briefest of terms, because they were confidential to others, and it wouldn’t have been fair to plaster that all over this blog as everyone knew who I was and would connect the dots fairly quickly. Even at times when this has been my only ranting space, I couldn’t give full vent, because it would be so easy to upset someone or break a confidence (However unwillingly bestowed)


I’ve never hidden behind a screen name. I haven’t concealed who I am, what I do (Although I’ve never specifically named my profession or employers. We have all, I think, learned the Dooce lesson by now) or even what I look like. At times, this has been a blessing. I’ve never had to fear that something hidden would be revealed. It hasn’t ever hovered over my head. I’ve never had to worry that someone I know would unmask me. At other times, it has been a curse. I’ve had to hold my tongue on things that I would have loved to be able to talk about. Things I couldn’t discuss with those in my life, because they were too painful. It would have been easier to be able to put the words on screen, so to speak, before I talked to people. As it is, I haven’t been able to do that.


In a way, I wouldn’t change it. In some ways I would. My writing here has been largely self-indulgent, any political commentary restricted to the blogs of others who say it so much better than I ever could. I don’t, in general, do the whole “Here’s the news and what I think about it” thing, I haven’t often linked to things I find quirky or funny. I don’t seek new blog material. I write here when the fancy strikes me, not because of a sense of obligation. I don’t have writers’ bloc, because I don’t reach for something to write.


It’s been hard to write about things sometimes, without being stunted by the things I wasn’t writing about. Isn’t it funny how the absence of something can sometimes say more than the presence of it? I would love to write something meaningful here. But it doesn’t seem the forum. Some have been amused, bemused, saddened or gladdened by things I’ve put here. But I can’t say I went into it with any sense of intent. A friend (AJ of Herein fame) suggested I give it a go, and I did. I didn’t think, “Here’s a showcase for my political nous and mad writing skills” because I don’t think I possess either. My self-editing skills are terrible; I can’t get to a point in fewer than five paragraphs, and my comma use sees sentences extend longer than the Hundred Years War.


My political nous is scatty. I’m left leaning by the definition of others, but I also mix it up with a contrary view on unlikely subjects. I can’t be bothered enough with the figures, statistics or references to articles by the same author fifteen years ago in Outer Mongolia to put forward a convincing case anymore. I still like a verbal discussion, but I’m finding myself less and less indignant about what goes on around me. So what is written here ends up being about what does matter to me – family, friends, The Boy – the things that I care about most inspire the need to write more than things that can, at times, seem too remote from me.


As if to prove my point, I’ve strayed completely from what I intended to write here.


So to stop me rambling any further, the question is; to those who are anonymous, and to those who aren’t, is it easier to write exactly how you feel if people don’t know who you are? Or is it easier to lay it all out and not have to worry about the cloak being pulled away from your screen name?

I’m still undecided.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

In Passing

Just quickly, and in an effort not to neglect this blog.

Things are good. Apart from the woeful form of the Bombers, of course. A few things in my life have fallen into place, and I can look to the future with a slightly less bewildered expression. Slightly. Still don't know what I want to do with my life, or how I'm going to do it when I figure that out, still don't have all the answers, but things are looking up.

My mother is getting married, and has asked me to be Matron of Honour. Apparently you're supposed to be married to be a matron of honour? Maybe she's hoping for something in the meantime? Her wedding isn't until next August, but before anyone starts holding their breath, it's not going to happen.

My main duty, I was informed, is to keep her sober at her hen night. Fine, says I. But who is going to keep me sober? There'll need to be a matron of honour for the matron of honour.

Applications greatfuly accepted.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Random morning thoughts

The hot-air balloons are back over Melbourne. I haven't seen them for a few weeks, and I look out for them every morning. I don't know why they hold such a facination for me, but for some reason I can't stop watching them, and wishing I was up there too. Maybe one day.....

Is anyone else sick and tired of the "Pick up and Post" radio ad? It gets stuck in your head for hours at a time, and all I can think for the first hour of my work day is "If you've got a package to pick up, got a parcel to post, anywhere, coast to coast..." Please, please, release me. It's worse than the time I got the locomotion in my head. And that's saying something.

Dogs ARE the best people. At the moment we have my step-sisters (First use of the word Step-sister! Hee!) dog living at our place, and there is nothing better than a big ball of energy racing to the door and being that happy to see you that they have to jump on you, and lick you, and dash around like a mad thing. No person ever gets that excited to see me, ever. But maybe that's just me.

Check it out! Posts on two successive days! A record for the last year or two, surely.

Oh, and there's no better end to a night than a Hugh Laurie double. Specifically, House followed by Blackadder the Third. Still debating as to whether his Prince Regent is better than his turn in Blackadder goes Forth. The jury is still out.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Breaking News!

I just squeezed some moisturiser on to my hand, and it looked exactly like Jesus!

True story.

I should have taken a photo of it, somehow gotten it on to a piece of cardboard and sold it on E-Bay, come to think of it…..

Thought for the Day

Headspace today is quite cheerful. I woke up this morning, and realised it wasn't as bad as I thought. It's not killing me, not even slowly. The anxiety leading up to this has been far worse than the reality.

And a thought for the day. More a lyric, really, which has been striking me at moments when it's picked me up and set me straight:

"If he was one in a million, well there's five more just in New South Wales"

Yes, it's not easy, but I'm coping much better than I thought I would, and I have a fantasitc family and freinds, who couldn't be more lovely if they tried.

And that, is worth more than anything in the world.

Lyricisism

Songs that have been following me around:

- As always, “Bring me some water” Can’t for the life of me remember the band name. It’s followed me around for a year, and never bodes well.
- Tubthumping by Chumbawumba (No idea how to spell the band name, though) – which has made me giggle, considering the circumstances.
- Have a Nice Day – Bon Jovi. Bad, because I’m likely to start singing along on trams, or at the very least, stamp my feet in appropriate places


Songs I’ve had stuck in my head:

- Made me Hard – Whitlams. One day I’ll put the lyrics up here. It’s apt at the moment.
- Keep the Faith – Bon Jovi. And excellent gym song, as I found out last night.
- I Will Not go Queitly – Whitlams. Not a reflection of the current situation, but one that always makes me smile and tap my feet
- Superman – Stereophonics – I just love the way Kelly growls the lyric “You got a woman but you want her gone, so you can sleep with a teenage blonde” It’s so bitter. A good walking-in-the-city-song.
- The Thomas the Tank engine theme song. And the smurfs theme song. I used to drive The Boy nuts singing that at him when we were in lifts and he couldn’t get away. Good times, Good times.

That’s all really. Songs and lyrics float in and out of my head at the most inopportune times, and sometimes it’s bizarre to jot them down and have a look at them.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Pre post post

I have a post ready, but I need clearance before I can post it. I'll try and get that later this week.

To all those who have sent messages, called me, listened to me, and just said that they were here for me, I appreciate it beyond words.

That's all for now. More when it's appropriate.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

House of Cards

Defence mechanisms are a strange thing. You think that you’re handling everything okay, and then it all comes crashing down around your ears, and you spend most of the night growling in anger and then all the hurt comes out and your slumped on the floor sobbing as if you are going to die in front of the one person you swore would never see how much they’d hurt you.

So all my best-laid plans have come to nothing, and I find myself back at square one in regards to how I cope with this. The Boy isn’t surprised, for as he said, it was bound to come out at some stage. It was probably a good thing that he saw the signs, and took me into a spare bedroom and let me get it out. I would have hated above all else to let her see me like that. I couldn’t have dealt with that. Any pride I have left (And I have very little at the moment) would not have stood for that. Of course, getting it out didn’t make me feel any better, especially with a bottle of wine sloshing around on an empty stomach. Apologies to anyone who had to witness the mess that I was on Saturday night, but I don’t know what I was supposed to do. It was all too much for me, having it thrown in my face this soon.

It’s the most impotent feeling in the world, knowing that you’ve done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG and that somehow you are the one that has to hold back, choke back that tear, keep your mouth shut and try not to make a scene for the sake of others. Although god knows how many people heard me sobbing like a child while walking past to get beer or whatever, at that stage, a dark room and The Boy there to realise how much pain this has - and is – causing me where all I wanted. That, and a stomach pump. Or even better, a stomach that doesn’t dance the conga at the first sign of emotional upset.

I guess the worst thing is wondering what I’ve done to deserve this. It’s bad enough that this has all happened and that I’m trying really, really hard not to be bitter, or cynical. Considering that I am the innocent party to all this, I seem to be spending an inordinate amount of time justifying myself to people who couldn’t give a shit how this is making me feel, or how it is tearing me apart day by day. God, all I hear is how much this is hurting other people. Well, considering they brought it all on themselves, and I’ve done nothing at all, I get told to leave people alone. I would love to leave people alone. I would love for this not to be an issue in the first place. But I wasn’t given any choice in that, and I don’t have any choice over how I feel right now.

But I do know this; I will NOT spend another night sobbing and trying not to scream, and throwing up what little I have in my stomach. I will NOT be forced to act as if everything is okay, and I won’t worry next time about making a scene. I will stand up for myself, and I won’t back down again, regardless of whom asks me to. I thought I had reached the end of my tether last week, but this goes so far past what I can and WHAT I SHOULD BE EXPECTED to tolerate, that I honestly cannot put it into words.

And so, I’m not going to attempt to. I’ve had enough of boring people with gloom and doom. The next update, I promise, will be brighter, whiter, and give you 24-hour protection from plaque. Or something like that, anyway.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Bright Side

Well, a week and a bit on, and my head is still up. Amazing really. I think I’ve done pretty well. And I’ll say this; it’s times like these you find out who your friends are, and find out the quality of the people who make up your support base. And on that note, there are people that I must thank for keeping me sane and forcing me to drink, eat or sleep when I couldn’t face it: -


Danny, for listening to me, and respecting my decision even though you think I’m an idiot, and for listening to me when all you wanted to do was sleep.

Leis, for telling me that everything I’m feeling is perfectly normal and re-enforcing to me that I haven’t done anything wrong. It somehow means more coming from someone who studies brains in detail for a living.

Andy, I don’t even know where to begin. I have not the fingers and toes. Thank you for knowing me well enough to know something was wrong, but letting me tell you in my own time. Thank you for listening to me at three in the morning. Thank you for giving me the ability to cry and get it out. I hadn’t been able to cry about it, except once in anger since it happened. Thank you for saying exactly what I needed to hear, and meaning every word of it. I love you too mate. And my teeth are only better than yours because I’ve spent a thousand dollars at the dentist recently. And thank you for saying I remind you of yourself. I could think of no higher compliment.

Shane, for making me feel strong and for the trivia questions. You learn something new everyday. It’s not likely to be useful if I learned it from you, but I learn something regardless. And no, you wouldn’t want to meet me down a dark alley. Although what either of us would be doing down a dark alley is anyone’s guess.

To everyone (especially those I work with) who haven’t minded when I’ve had to cut them off mid-sentence to throw up, and thank you for the advice on mints, liquids and what food I am most likely to keep down. And for not pushing me for details.

And I want to re-enforce this for everyone, as I know there are those who are worried about me. I AM okay. And to those who are reading this casually and thinking, as those at work have, that I must be pregnant, I am NOT.

I won’t go into details about what is happening here, as there are bits of it that I have given my word will go no further, and even though the people involved deserve no consideration from me, I won’t go back on that. But rest assured that I do have my head up, I’m not falling apart (much), and I’m getting on with it. Not very well, truth be told, but I’m okay. Well, I’m as okay as I can be in the circumstances.
Again, to those above, and those I won’t name as they’ve never been named here before, I love you all and I just can’t thank you enough.